That is the question.
Earlier today I was bombarded with a compromise proposed by my friend. Let’s call her Judy. Instead of going home immediately I would accompany Judy to the mall to purchase dye products to use on ourselves. I was then perplexed for a whole five minutes on what to say.
A simple yes or no would suffice the matter but there is a problem and that is simply, I don’t like to say no. Most people who would ask for favors or anything at all have certain expectations they want to achieve. And I am one who adheres to those expections. Example: if a fellow girl would ask you to accompany her to the comfort room, you would go because (a) she might have something to say to you and (b) she might need help of something or (c) just so she can have someone to walk back to the classroom together. The answer that corresponds to my existence so far is the last one. I am not one to gossip or that I’d be an expert on girly stuff such as having complete make up kits for anyone to borrow or that they would ask for my opinion if they look good and I would just say “yes” right away because I’m nice and I don’t actually like to say no. I sometimes tell my friends no, only jokingly though, but that rarely happens anyway.
Okay, it was almost noon and the heat was very eager to make people sweat and uncomfortable. There was me, Judy and my other friend. Let’s call her Bridgette. So, we sat outside of school under the tree watching cars pass by as Judy is texting someone for company but there was no one available. She asked me then, if I’d like to go with her because she didn’t want to be alone. (That is the common problem of teenagers, based on experience.) I was mute because I don’t know what to say but thankfully Bridgette spoke up that she’d go home right away and by coincidence that we have the same route to home, I said, and please clap your hands to this, no.
Of course, I didn’t only say that. I said: Because we have to go home together and I have no more cash to buy dyes. This is very true.
Alas, she was insistent. If I didn’t have money, she asked to stay at my place for a while and we could hang out. Only that there is literally no food in the house and I’d want to be hospitable to my friends but I’m short on cash for I spent it leisurely on food yesterday with my other friends. (Sidenote: I only spend my money on food.) I said that my parents wouldn’t like someone coming over when there is nothing to offer. This is somewhat true. Judy was then sweating bullets because of my unwillingness.
The hope to my anxiety was Bridgette, who suggested that we hang out at her place and watch movies. (She is really nice.) I wanted to say yes but there are three hindrances: (1) I don’t have any money at all. (2) It is really hot and my pants are tight and it made me distressed. (3) I really did not want to go.
So what I proposed was that I’d go home first, ask for money to buy some food, copy movies in a USB and I will come over later. They were both uncertain that I would go and that I was just making empty promises. But no, I didn’t want to seem that way so I went home, prepared snacks and copied movies patiently.
Twenty minutes later, a text came from Judy that said: You don’t have to come over, I will just go somewhere. You and Bridgette can hang out together.
Only that the purpose for my settlement was because of her, I didn’t want to feel indebted that I was the reason she’ll be downhearted for being alone. So I replied with heartfelt honesty: I will not go because you’re not there.
The answer to the question was or. I did not go and did not not go. I compromised like that because I was a bit hopeful that it would not work out. In the end, it didn’t.