Thoughts To Go

Twelve hours later and a pivotal exam will take place. In the meantime, what do you do?

You do not, absolutely and fervently go online. That’s the number one rule. It’s not rocket science. There’s inevitably nothing complex that would extenuate the circumstances. It’s just that you do.

You keep thinking it’s alright to fend off the books for five minutes, on 9:30pm you promise you will go back to Kinesiology.

Ah, but you don’t. And then you rationalize it as well.

“There’s still time left.”
“Gotta check Twitter and Facebook. Must be something important there.”
“Justin Bieber got arrested for drunk driving? Wow, I don’t care but I need to search that.”

That’s the crux of the matter. Whenever you’re in a pinch, you make excuses for yourself for your own judgement of what is for your own good. In times like these, tedious as it is difficult to concentrate, your mind arouses you to be interested in otherwise impossibly useless things.

Two nights ago, I did the inanely and most imaginably counterproductive thing that could disrupt my high expectations despite the lazy effort I’ve been exhausting myself onto. To clarify first, I am not in no way related to the matter I did. I am so far away that I had countless thoughts on  why I did, because, to be quite honest, it didn’t even matter to me. Yet I did it anyway because it interested me for a good hour away from the books and notes. And now I feel like not letting it up because I’m daunted and intimidated by my sense of responsibility.

Simply put, I do not have it on the right things.

And now I’m shying away from a responsibility to pass this exam in order to secure my future. Even if in all my life I’ve started school I always wondered why a person’s intellect is based on test results and grades. In distress and frustration, you can’t even try to throw it all away because you’re life depends on a degree and that epitomizes the standard of our society.

I realized back then that a society big enough would have competitive people in it. There are those that excel because they started to and they continue because it’s already started, hasn’t it? And then there are those that want to achieve higher than others because they don’t want to be let down or be inferior, underestimated, and be judged. A reluctant scholar and a desperate persevering colleague. Of course, there are other kinds of students. I, for one, am someone else in the matter. I was a scholar in a small community at a very early age, always up first on the stage with my mother constantly buying new dresses to wear when she pins me ribbons and hangs medals on my neck. I was supreme and careful to protect my crown. Even at a young age, I was that ambitious. Then I moved on to higher education and saw how tacit competitions occurring all around me and then I stopped. I didn’t excel, although I laid low on safe ground. I was average. And then I was average, average, average.

Years pass and I’m no one accounted for anything special, but for someone who took swimming lessons than music lessons, I could say that I swim very well.

After five months, I am back! What a heavenly an achievement this is that I’d like to remember.

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